I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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