Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
