im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
