we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
