I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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