i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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