I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
