does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
