then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just gargled with NyQuil
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
