he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
