I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
