toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
