sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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