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I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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