I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
