The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
pop tarts are not kleenex
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
