If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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