Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
