sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
