He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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