you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
