Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
