I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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