Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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