I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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