if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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