I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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