i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
