dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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