New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
