These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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