grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
