turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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