He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
