I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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