You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
