oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
