I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
