If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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