I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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