Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
