i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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