Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
