So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
