just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Randomize
