oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
