Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
