My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
