i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
