guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
