There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
