She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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